I’m not about to disparage a guy who just won a major by seven strokes.  Period.  Louis Oosthuizen was impressive as fuck and there are no qualifiers to that statement.

That said, I’m not about to wax poetic about a guy who built his lead thanks to two favorable weather draws that simply outlasted a field that seemed wholly content to cash their overly large runner up checks and get to tell people they’re good because they finished top 5 in a major.  There’s no way around it, yesterday’s golf coverage was boring, just because there wasn’t anyone catching Oosthuizen.  So, instead of doing some big long recap, we’ll just do some winner/loser type thing, k?

Winners:

Oosthuizen: Of course.  You don’t win a major by 7 strokes unless you’re a badass and the Euro Tour stalwart might just be that badass.  Or he could be a total fluke.  Hell, I thought Zach Johnson was a fluke after he won the Masters, but I’ve been proven quite wrong by that so maybe Shrek is the Euro Tour’s new ZJ.

Henrik Stenson: Made a charge and wasn’t a douchebag about it, unlike a certain someone who’s name rhymes with Maul Macey.

Rory McIlroy and Rickie Fowler: McIlroy finished tied for 3rd while Fowler was a few shots off his pace finishing tied for 14th with a logjam of extremely talented players.  Of course, these finishes aren’t notable in and of themselves, but when you consider that Rory shot a 2nd round 80 to best Fowler’s opening round 79 well, that’s some gumption and good shootin’ to get back to where they finished.  Good show, young’ns.

Sergio Garcia: This has been a year and a half to forget for Serrrrrgio, but a good finish in the Open has to make him feel a little better about the state of his game.  If only every other tournament on the face of the Earth could roll their greens at a 9, maybe he’d be a weekly contender.

Not America: The rest of the world had quite the nice showing this weekend.  Too bad they’re poor and their golf is of a funky varietal.  Perhaps if they hired Tom Fazio…

Don’t worry, just kidding about Fazio.  He’d probably put a waterfall in the burn and grow out the rough around the fairway bunkers.

Losers:

Paul Casey: You might want to clean the bed after you shat all over it on Sunday.

Jin Jeong: Amateurism sucks.  Say you finish tied for 14, like Jeong did.  If you’re a touring pro, you were paid $87,840.  If you’re Jeong, it was an expensive golf trip.

Mark Calcavecchia: I love Calc, but this weekend’s showing was straight up putrid.  Considering he was in the last group on Sunday, his fall to 73rd was as shocking as it was precipitous.  A weekend 77 and 80 will do that to you, but even then, going from 2nd to 2nd last in the course of two rounds?  Holy shit.

Tiger Woods: Get your head out of your ass.

Tiger Woods’ new putter: Tiger’s putter looks like someone took a 1999 Jeep Cherokee (not the Grand Cherokee) and threw a bunch of ugly stickers on it to make it look like a spaceship.  It’s ugly, it’s ineffective and if fucking Stewart Cink and Lucas Glover can get putters that don’t have a bunch of retarded graphics on it, why do you have to settle for the fucking Puttership Enterprise?

Nike: STOP PUTTING UGLY GRAPHICS ON ALL YOUR CLUBS.  I feel like this had to be mentioned twice.

Silence: We didn’t get a lot of it with ESPN’s coverage.  Why is it, with anything covered by ESPN, they have to beat shit into you with a shovel, over and over and over and over again?  I never thought I’d say this, but I’ll be completely content going a year without having Scott Van Pelt cover a golf tournament.  Why can’t CBS golf just take over completely?  They do it right.