There’s nothing to talk about in the golf world, and damnit, that sucks.  So how are we going to spend our time before the Benz in a few weeks and the “real” start to the tour in a few months?  Why, listing the hell out of everything we can, that’s how.

Today, we’re not going to order these like in the Under, instead, we’ll just throw em up in any order because they’re all so deserving (or undeserving…whatever).  So lets cut the BS and get right to the meat.

Adam Scott: Where to begin…maybe the four top-10’s in majors since 2000 or the fact that he’s missed TWICE as many cuts in the same time?  Or what about stealing Tiger’s swing, despite it’s ineffiencies, and failing to improve at all?  Or we could use my personal favorite…the unimaginative short game and terrible clutch putting (Houston aside).  All sound good.

Whatever the reason is, I’m sick of seeing him on TV because chicks like him.  I want to see good golf, not sprayed drives and someone who looks like they’re having about as much fun as if they were at a funeral (hey, at least Vijay is a good golfer…his game is fun even if he looks bored to tears).  Scott just doesn’t care and all we see on TV is him wasting his ridiculous amount of talent.  If he carried himself like Geoff Ogilvy, he’d have multiple majors…easily.

Phil Mickelson: Phil had a great season by normal golfer’s standards, but unfortunately, we hold him to Tiger’s standards and he fell short.  He had a great opportunity to get a major with Tiger out and failed miserably.  His ballstriking and all-around game was great this year but he couldn’t putt for shit.  Unfortunately, Phil is an elite golfer and he must play like one…two wins at third-tier stops isn’t going to cut it even if he did pull magic out of his butt at Colonial.  Missing 10 footers with regularity and watching your prodigious short game fall apart means one thing…FIRE DAVE PELZ.

Ian Poulter: Ian…I like you, I really do.  You have a fantastic wardrobe and bring some flair to the game and obviously are passionate and competitive, but you know what that gets you?  Diddly.  See, you need this thing called “talent” in order to be an elite golfer, and frankly, you just don’t have it.  So before you go comparing yourself to Tiger again, maybe you might want to win a big tournament so people recognize you for your golf game and not your trousers.

Paddy Harrington: I don’t have a grudge against Paddy, but I don’t think he’s an elite golfer either.  He had TWO good weekends last year and all of the sudden, he’s a threat to Tiger.  I’ll buy that only if the weather is raining and it’s freezing cold with 20 mph winds, because, frankly, that’s the only way you’re beating him.  Paddy is a consistently good player who has a solid game and can make clutch putts, but under ideal scoring conditions, he just can’t hang with the big boys.  Paddy is a mudder, so anytime the weather sucks, he’ll get my vote, but if it’s nice out…not happening.

Stewart Cink: Close a tournament and we’ll take you off.  You’re really close, but seeing as you look like a top-5 golfer for 70 holes and then 2 fuck up an entire weekend’s work, this is where you’re going to have to sit.  Sorry, but grinning like an idiot while Tiger takes you to the woodshed in Match Play doesn’t really get you a whole lot of kudos in my book.

Camillo Villegas: Another guy who’s really really close to getting off of this list.  Despite his two wins late in the year at the end of the FedEx Cup and his pretty solid play at the Chevron this year, he’s not ready to be lumped in with the AK’s and Sergio’s yet.  “But he just beat Sergio,” you might say.  And I’ll reply, “he did it once and didn’t have an entire three month stretch where he was in the top-5 pretty much every week.  Plus, his game has just too many holes in it right now to warrant so much TV time.  I get it, chicks like him and he’s in great shape and a flashy dresser, but he doesn’t have the greatest game in the world, and no matter how attractive you may be, it doesn’t matter if you’re spraying iron shots 20 yards left of your target and missing makeable putts.

Oh…and get rid of that stupid “Spiderman” pose thingee you do on the greens.  Worthless schtick.

Luke Donald: There’s nothing wrong with being a short hitter, but when you’re consistently 40 yards behind guys who aren’t considered especially long, that tends to be a problem.  Donald’s game is refined, the embodiment of English charm, but it lacks balls entirely.  Sack up, Luke, be a man and crush something once in awhile.  Or not…it wouldn’t phase me in the least.

Ernie Els: Pains me to say this…love you Ernie, but your game needs some work.  What the hell happened, Big Ern?  What the hell happened?

Rocco Mediate: Everyone’s favorite loser, the everyman, the guy who gave us all hope and who’s gregarious nature carried us through the US Open, adding an element of humanity which cut the tension and set the table for such a great week.  Yay.  Dude has one shot in the bag…trap draw…that worked great for one weekend of his career…where he didn’t win.  Your story was great, Rocco, and you’ll live forever on Golf Channel Classics, but this is the capstone of your career.  You got paid, and it’s sad to say because you are such a nice guy, but it ain’t happening again.

Dan, Josh and Anthony: Haha.  Losers.

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