Unfortunately, I lost the ability to cry five botox treatments ago.

We’ve made it halfway thru this year’s Tour season and Tiger Woods doesn’t have a win yet; it’s officially time to freak out. There’s no doubt in my mind the apocalypse is here. Be sure to rent yourself a back-hoe and build yourself a bomb shelter. Furthermore, you should stock it with all the necessary essentials and of course, your sticks – you certainly don’t want to lose that impeccable trap draw golf swing or, even worse, return to the surface as the worst putter alive. Cause let’s be honest, depending on the apocalyptic event, there’s a high chance that every green will be rolling at no less than 13 on the stimpmeter. Sound foolish? Ok, sure… just don’t forget that it was Tuna Golf who gave you the necessary tools ahead of time to becoming the next goat and the first of the Mad Max Era.

Ok, back to reality. Despite what some might think, Tiger is fine. During his limited play this year (after an off-season with zero practice), Tiger’s faired pretty well. He’s missed one cut, withdrew from one tournament, a top 20 finish and two top 5 finishes (which just happened to be majors!). So you won’t hear all the Tiger panic or bullshit rumors here. We’re professionals*. What we will focus on are the key moments of the 2010 season to this point and what to expect going forward.

*Possibly not true

STATS/STANDINGS:

World Golf Rankings:

  1. Tiger Woods
  2. Phil Mickelson
  3. Lee Westwood
  4. Steve Stricker
  5. Jim Furyk
  6. Ernie Els
  7. Luke Donald
  8. Paul Casey
  9. Ian Poulter
  10. Roy McIlroy

Currently, the FedEx Cup top 10 stands:

  1. Ernie Els
  2. Phil Mickelson
  3. Jim Furyk
  4. Anthony Kim (who?)
  5. Ben Crane
  6. Tim Clark
  7. Dustin Johnson
  8. Matt Kuchar
  9. Robert Allenby
  10. Camillo Villegas

(Your money list doesn’t look much different. Same players, slightly different order)

Only two players have multiple wins on Tour: Jim Furyk (2) and Ernie Els (2).

Prior to last week’s Open, there was a 10-way tie for first for top 10 finishes: Ernie Els (5), Matt Kuchar (5), Ricky Barnes (5), Ben Crane (5), Ricky Fowler (5), Retief Goosen (5), Bryce Molder (5), Bo Van Pelt (5), Camilo Villegas (5), and Lee Westwood (5). Last week, only Els and Kuchar separated themselves, picking up their sixth top 10.

Top 8 US Ryder Cup Points:

  1. Phil Mickelson
  2. Jim Furyk
  3. Anthony Kim
  4. Lucas Glover
  5. Dustin Johnson
  6. Matt Kuchar
  7. Tiger Woods
  8. Steve Stricker

Top 8 Euro Ryder Cup Points:

  1. Lee Westwood
  2. Greame McDowell (spencer’s boy!)
  3. Rory McIlroy
  4. Ian Poulter
  5. Luke Donald
  6. Padraig Harrington
  7. Martin Kaymer
  8. Edoardo Molinari

Longest Avg off the tee (tie): Dustin Johnson and Bubba Watson (304.5 yards)

Single Drive: Steve Stricker (424 yards)

Putting Avg (tie): J.P. Hayes, Brandt Snedeker (1.7)

Longest Putt: Soren Kjeldsen (90′)

Ball Striking: Bo Van Pelt

Birdie Avg (fewest, tie): Anthony Kim, Nick Watney, Paul Casey (4.2/round)

Bogey Avg (most): Brad Faxon (3.8); (fewest) Matt Kuchar (1.89)

Scoring Avg (best): Anthony Kim (69.5), Matt Kuchar (69.7); (worst) Brad Faxon (73.2)

THOUGHTS ON THE ABOVE:

Tiger’s #1 spot in the World Rankings is safe, for now. He may not be close to the pre-ambien sex Tiger, but Phil and Westwood are too mentally weak to take the top spot and hold it. The best contenders are under 30 years old and waiting.

It’s great to see Ernie playing so well again. Aside from a few mishaps here and there, he’s been the best player on tour this year. As always is the case, those midrange putts haunt The Big Easy and will always restrict his ceiling.

Jim Furyk remains a consistently solid player with a hideous swing.  Nothing’s changed.

AK was absolutely on fire to start the season, and likely was injured the entire time he was doing so. He still has enough rounds to qualify his top rankings to certain stats, so at the moment, he remains relevant. He’ll likely only get one shot at a major this year but, more importantly, the US needs him to compete in the Ryder Cup.

Ben Crane is this year’s most improved player right now. He finished last year in 61st place and is currently sitting 5th in the FedEx Cup. Well done.

Matt Kuchar appears to finally be putting his over-hyped game together. He’s making Lefty proud.

Tons of youth on tour this year. AK, McIlroy, DJ, Fowler, Mahan, Spiderman, and Barnes are just a handful of ridiculously talented young players experiencing success right now. With most of the current top dogs either approaching or over the hill, these guys are a fresh breath of excitement.

A 90′ putt is a long ass putt.

Sticker’s 424 yard drive, while impressive, occurred at the SBS in Hawaii. 90% of the longest drives this year were during that same tournament.

Finally, the US is in deep shit when the Ryder Cup rolls around. The Euros have dominated the Tour this year and I don’t expect anything different when the fall classic (can I call it that?) hits Celtic Manor.

HIGHLIGHTS:

Phil Mickelson wins his 3rd Masters and 4th major championship. Phil continues to shine at Augusta, yet disappear on Sunday in the Open. At age 40, he’ll likely remain competitive thru his 40′s (like Couples), but will always receive back-handed compliments until he wins the US Open. Funny how he gets one monkey off his back by winning his first major, only to have another jump on six years and four major wins later.

Speaking of monkeys, Tim Clark finally got his first Tour win. After eight 2nd place finishes, he was due. A truly remarkable feat considering his physical handicap.

Lee Westwood HATES Sundays. His sole win came from someone choking more than he did.

The Euros have experienced much success this year in the States. Not only did McIlroy impress (that’s an understatement) at Quail Hallow, there was even a Justin Rose siting! Westwood, Poulter and McDowell each took home 1st place money already this year. Also, Adam Scott, while trying his hardest to not be Tiger Woods-esq, did in fact win something.

Dustin Johnson LOVES Pebble Beach, as long as it’s not in with a lead on Sunday in the US Open. When that’s the case, he LOVES shooting 82.

Everyone was expecting Hunter Mahan to build off of his solid 2009 season, and after his win at Scottsdale, these expectations seemed realistic. However, Mahan has struggled recently and possibly has started to move in with the long list of post-Tiger letdowns. What’s up Ty Tryon?

The 17th at Sawgrass will always be a top 3 entertaining shots to watch live. The facial expressions and reactions are awesome.

Unfortunately, I have to wrap this review up with some unfavorable standings – the Tuna Golf Fantasy Foursome. It pains me to say the spencer is running away with this thing. If the second half of the season is anything like the first, this race will be over well before we reach the final stretch. Here they are [looks away]:

  1. spencer – 77
  2. lefty – 226
  3. josh -295
  4. tips – 330
  5. AC – 352
  6. toneypenna – 378

Not to end on an ugly note, I leave you with my latest crush, the Frenchie’s swing: