First off…old man Penna’s least favorite golfer, Hunter Mahan, just shoved it up TP’s peehole with that 64 yesterday, and my oh my, does sweet shadenfraude feel good.  We’ve waxed eloquent on Mahan before, so I don’t think we need to get into his awesomeness again so why don’t we move onto a few of the more notable stories.

Phil imploded quite nicely after an unusual fast start at Firestone.  Normally, this wouldn’t be such a delight, but your fearless author engaged in a little gambling expedition, an expedition who’s success was predicated on the failure of Mickeltits.  Of course, that was negated by my retard ass taking Henrik fucking Stenson, but any victory, no matter how small, is cause celebre here in the 096 household.  Nevertheless, Phil blew a shot at getting to no. 1, which would normally mean the window was closed but…

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO TIGER WOODS!??!!?

Don’t even look at me, Tiger, I just can’t take it anymore.  I think we need some time apart, you know?  Our relationship is getting stale, and frankly, I think a trial separation might be the best for the family…

I mean, it’d give me time to watch golfers who don’t suck precocious amounts of ass while you scurry off and, you know, practice.  Practice.  We’re talking about practice because you fucking need it you weekend hack.  Seriously, Tig Nasty…how the fuck can’t you shoot par at a course you’ve won at seven times?  Now, I’m not going to pretend I’d have a snowball’s chance in hell at breaking 100 at Firestone, but at the same time, +18?  Wow.

Thank God there wasn’t a cut otherwise a certain member of the authorship here would be staring down the business end of +100 (you know him…I don’t wanna out anyone but he’s the idiot who thought picking Ryan Palmer would be a good idea).  I…I just don’t know how to broach this subject without delving into a world of flowery anecdotes and condescending fluffery, but it feels appropriate for an event such as a fucking +18 by the GOAT on what can be considered his personal playground.

Whether it’s swing issues or being depressed or not getting enough pussy or whatever, Tiger needs help.  This whole ordeal has been incredibly tiresome from a fan’s point of view, and frankly, as long as Tiger’s still teeing it up, he’s never going to evade the spotlight.  He needs to get his life in order first, and the golfy will follow.  If that means getting your dick wet with all sorts of questionable gash, then by all means, just wrap it up.  If that means leaving the TOUR for the rest of the season while you simmer and stew, and maybe get in a silly season event, well, get it done.

I can’t even talk about this anymore.  Get your ass in gear Tiger…enough of this bullshit.

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