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Cheapest piece of clothing I own

Cheapest piece of clothing I own

Yessir, the band is back together. Hell, we even picked up a new member. All the hype, drama, and controversy surrounding the 2013 Masters tournament was too much to keep us away. But we’ll get to all that later. All you need to know is that none of us played Augusta this past weekend, which means we’re kicking off our 2014 Masters campaign!

A lot happened this weekend at Augusta, but let me first and foremost congratulate Adam Scott. Scott has been one hell of a Tour player for a long time now and the only reason it’s taken him this long to win his first big one is that dreaded flatstick. So it’s only fitting that he won this tournament with clutch putting. His always impressive ball-striking kept him in the mix, but it was his putting that earned him the prestigious green jacket. (more…)

The golf tournament of all golf tournaments, The Masters. It’s finally here!

Day 1 made me incredibly depressed. Alvaro Quiros, who is my age and Rory McIlroy, who is twenty fucking one, are in the lead. Sigh. Anyway on to the action…


First off…old man Penna’s least favorite golfer, Hunter Mahan, just shoved it up TP’s peehole with that 64 yesterday, and my oh my, does sweet shadenfraude feel good.  We’ve waxed eloquent on Mahan before, so I don’t think we need to get into his awesomeness again so why don’t we move onto a few of the more notable stories.

Phil imploded quite nicely after an unusual fast start at Firestone.  Normally, this wouldn’t be such a delight, but your fearless author engaged in a little gambling expedition, an expedition who’s success was predicated on the failure of Mickeltits.  Of course, that was negated by my retard ass taking Henrik fucking Stenson, but any victory, no matter how small, is cause celebre here in the 096 household.  Nevertheless, Phil blew a shot at getting to no. 1, which would normally mean the window was closed but…



I’m gonna put it right out in front…I don’t like Stuart Appleby, much like I’m not a fan of any Aussie pro golfer not named Geoff Ogilvy.  Is this racist?  It could be viewed that way except for the fact that I like Australia the country, and have met a few Australians in my day that were fantastic people.  It’s not the Australians I hate, it’s the Australians ON TOUR that I hate, with enemy number one being Mr. 59 here.

Of course I’m impressed by Appleby’s win, and his performance over the weekend, which can only be described as “laser guided.”  Huge, accurate drives followed by precise, perfectly struck irons and wedges left him little work to do with that pesky putter, which is a good thing considering Appleby’s legs visably shake over anything longer than 5 feet on Sunday.  An incredible performance, no doubt, but it leaves one wondering why he can’t do this more often.  Hence my angst towards the flotilla of immensely talented Aussie Tour golfers who choke on the regular. (more…)

Does he know that you're more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark?

Tuna Golf is handling the overwhelming mediocrity of last week’s golf by providing a very mediocre photo-style review of it all. That’s right, if they can mail it in, so can we.  After all, we’re followers first, leaders second. (more…)

I’m not about to disparage a guy who just won a major by seven strokes.  Period.  Louis Oosthuizen was impressive as fuck and there are no qualifiers to that statement.

That said, I’m not about to wax poetic about a guy who built his lead thanks to two favorable weather draws that simply outlasted a field that seemed wholly content to cash their overly large runner up checks and get to tell people they’re good because they finished top 5 in a major.  There’s no way around it, yesterday’s golf coverage was boring, just because there wasn’t anyone catching Oosthuizen.  So, instead of doing some big long recap, we’ll just do some winner/loser type thing, k?


Oosthuizen: Of course.  You don’t win a major by 7 strokes unless you’re a badass and the Euro Tour stalwart might just be that badass.  Or he could be a total fluke.  Hell, I thought Zach Johnson was a fluke after he won the Masters, but I’ve been proven quite wrong by that so maybe Shrek is the Euro Tour’s new ZJ.

Henrik Stenson: Made a charge and wasn’t a douchebag about it, unlike a certain someone who’s name rhymes with Maul Macey.

Rory McIlroy and Rickie Fowler: McIlroy finished tied for 3rd while Fowler was a few shots off his pace finishing tied for 14th with a logjam of extremely talented players.  Of course, these finishes aren’t notable in and of themselves, but when you consider that Rory shot a 2nd round 80 to best Fowler’s opening round 79 well, that’s some gumption and good shootin’ to get back to where they finished.  Good show, young’ns. (more…)

Yours truly took the day off of work to relax and watch the second round of The Open. Because I was conned into playing power hour and some sort of drinking Yahtzee game late last night, I slept thru my intended start time this morning. Unfortunately for me, all of the “best” golf was played then and, after a hearty American breakfast (2 eggs over easy, bacon, homefries, and a short stack), I’ve been left with nothing more than slow golf, wind delays and terrible ESPN coverage. Hey, at least it’s better than sitting in the office!

The early group was rewarded with favorable weather -a little rain and little to no wind – by British Open standards . Most took advantage and posted low numbers that will certainly put them in a great position going into the weekend. As I write this, Louis Oosthuizen is your clubhouse leader at -12, which is five strokes ahead of the next group of players. The goofy looking South African went 65, 67 in his first two rounds, respectively, and I’m sure is enjoying himself watching the circus that’s taken place this afternoon. A few other players who also took advantage of the good weather this morning include Mark Calcavecchia, Paul Casey, Tom Lehman, Greame McDowell, and Miguel Angel Jimenez. Casey, specifically, had a stellar round going but tripled the 17th and settled with a 3-under, 69. (more…)


Tiger Woods isn’t the only former champ that loves St Andrews. The mythical beast, John Daly, fired a 66 this morning to jump out to an early lead.

Does anyone expect him to hold it? Probably not. The conditions were supposed* to be much worse than they ended up being (one British paper described it as “a gloomy dartboard”), so players should take advantage of the weather and go low today. However, you can’t help but be impressed by Daly’s low number today, especially considering he’s probably had no sleep, a carton of cigs and two cases of diet coke.  He’s basically everything the Old Course isn’t, but I’ll slow clap his stellar first round.

*The conditions change at the drop of a hat. Don’t expect the same weather for the afternoon group of players today.

Ok, it’s official.

Paul Goydos is the fucking man.

Just listen to his post round interview with ESPN’s John Buccigross, and you’ll see why he’s the man.  You go out and shoot 59 and stay as humble as ever…just amazing.  It’s really hard not to root for a guy like Goydos, who’s known best for his loss to Sergio at the 2008 Players than he is for any of his wins*, and who’s gone through his fair share of family strife.  When you see the everyman with the everyman’s game go out and shoot a round like this, it’s hard not to feel awesome for Goydos.

Nicely done.  That’s some video game shit, son.

I don’t care that the US Open was fantastic for three days or that the course was fantastic and the competition fierce.  I don’t care that I’m going to be extremely petty and biased in the following paragraphs and I CERTAINLY don’t care if any Graeme McDowell fans get upset with me but I thought the final round of the Open sucked royal ass with a capital ROYAL ASS. (more…)

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